Leaving a networking event with a pocket full of business cards can feel rewarding, so why do these relics from past interactions quickly feel more like rubble? This can happen when introductory conversations are approached as transactions for immediate progress, instead of connections built for consistent progress over time. When the focus is quantity, we tend to set authenticity aside and put on a show in hopes of getting what we want as quickly as possible. Playing this type of networking game may connect the dots that sit on the surface, but this approach typically won’t convert conversations into a foundation for memorable and sustained connectivity beyond the moment. Flipping this tendency is simple, but it requires shifting the goal from what we want out of the first contact with someone, to what both/all parties need to feel a connection. That shift comes much easier when we make the conscious decision to be more interested in who we’re meeting than we are concerned with being interesting to them.
EXTRA SHOT
This contribution was written by Nick O’Brien. Nick is a founder and creative economy strategist who connects people to people, people to place, and people to potential.
When meeting people, it doesn’t matter what we’re working on. Ironically, being valuable in a first encounter is about listening and learning rather than presenting ourselves as valuable. It’s about making mental links between them and others in our network. It’s conjuring inverse charisma, leaning into playforce principles, and igniting feelings in others that differentiate our first encounters from agenda-focused introductions. These feelings produce a neurochemical reaction that sparks the brain’s amygdala and hippocampus simultaneously. It’s as if a potent cup of coffee is being poured into the parts of our brain responsible for creating and storing memories. In other words, when introductory conversations unlock the true emotions of connection, the chances for strong memories of the interaction significantly increase. This makes it easier to stay in tune with more variety as our network expands.
After years of observing the ways we approach meeting someone new, a few basic trends emerge based on different types of people. Introverts are more careful with what they say. They’ll share experiences, perspectives, and opinions, but typically not without being asked. Extroverts are more likely to stand out, as they share their experiences, perspectives, and ideas more openly. While there’s a complex conversation required to further understand extraversion, introversion, and ambiversion, let’s zoom in on how introverts and extroverts encounter the first moments of potential connection.
When introverts meet, they typically stay on the surface. The hidden intent is to not stand out, especially if what they say or do might make them seem less interesting. While this reserved approach might lead to an easy, free-flowing conversation, it’s not conducive to getting below the surface where unique experiences, perspectives, and insights can be exchanged. This play-it-safe approach actually decreases the chances they’ll remember each other, because unique feelings were not shared during the interaction.
As two extroverts collide, they both dive right in. With an intent of being interesting to the other person, they soon begin to subtly one-up each other to earn attention. Both extroverts may be energized, but the feelings of this memory are built on comparisons to the other person. Instead of feeling genuinely intrigued by what’s possible, confident people are left dwelling on their shortcomings, or worse, become driven to clash rather than to connect.
When introverts and extroverts cross paths, it’s natural for an extrovert to dominate the conversation. Unsurprisingly, both personality types are comfortable during these interactions. The introvert is less worried about standing out when all they have to do is listen. The extrovert shares their most interesting attributes, which makes them feel comfortable as well. While the introvert learns about the extrovert and may have experienced emotions to help them remember more, without the extrovert learning about the introvert, it’s unlikely that the extrovert feels much connection when they did all the talking.
Maintaining an interest in perpetual learning is the key when meeting new people. With practice, you’ll become more knowledgeable and better at recalling what you know about who you know.
What you know about who you know can be a superpower in the form of making introductions. The goal is for the introduction to be concise (15-20 seconds), aligned, and engaging enough to not only have sticking power, but also generate immediate interest in taking action as a result of the conversations you help curate. An interested introduction can be boiled down to a compelling story that includes 5 elements – exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution.
- Exposition = Name The Story
The names of who you’re introducing become the title of this story, creating a new folder in the introducees’ minds for the information you’re about to share. Many struggle to remember names, which correlates with why we struggle to remember what we’ve learned about people. As you evoke unique feelings with your introductions, you’ll find yourself remembering the names and related details of more people. Once names are shared, one go-to detail to include is how you met the introducees, especially if you met through mutual connections, at a place they’re both drawn to, or during an activity they both enjoy. This will create immediate feelings of proximity, while demonstrating that the details of your connection are meaningful enough to remember. The relevant context also helps us tap into the knowledge we’ll need for taking the next step in making unforgettable introductions. - Rising Action = Spark Connection
Briefly explaining your knowledge about each person’s purpose or mission can spark early feelings of connection. Remember, what someone cares the most about is rarely found on their business card. As you notice the introducees’ intrigue in each others’ callings, this is when you’ll align both parties with the shared potential between their respective missions. A connection sparked through what each person cares deeply about welcomes a variety of uniquely-aligned feelings that deepen memory, and sets the intro up perfectly for what comes next. - Climax = Celebrate Together
Now we open the door to shared feelings, as the emotions of celebration are useful to tap into at this stage. By sharing a milestone that the people you’re introducing have recently experienced, each can revel in their own interesting journey while also learning about and cheering on who they’re meeting. Ideally, the milestones being celebrated are linked to the details you’ve shared already. This can be tricky if you don’t know people well, but get creative with small wins to always have this option. Large or small, professional or personal, mutual celebration is an experience of shared emotion that will make the moment more memorable. - Falling Action = Align Focus
With connection established and shared celebration flowing, the introducees will be eager to learn how else they can engage with each other. If possible, highlight an obstacle they’re facing or a potential milestone within a project they’re enthused about. If you don’t have these details, hint at potential intersections between their respective journeys. The context we add here invites the exchange of experiential wisdom and new ideas into the conversation that follows. - Resolution = Invite Action
The stars of this story feel less pressure to act interesting, because you’ve done it for them. Now finish the intro story and encourage a longer sequel! To do this, mention (types of) people who each may need to meet in the next chapters of their respective stories. Ideally, these are folks the other knows and can easily make an introduction to. If you don’t have deep knowledge of the introducees’ networks, name people you know are relevant to the connection between them. If the suggestions are genuine, a sense of being in the right place at the right time, inspires emotions that come with action.
We have now set the stage for a memorable, emotion-based conversation by including relevant information that makes any personality type feel significance. This introduces equitable, level-setting hooks for a conversation to flourish without you as a constant conduit between them.
Extra Shot
Create Your Magic
When this method sets a virtuous tone between the people you introduce, there’s no need to rush away, but be quick to hand the mic. Enjoy listening and watch the story you curated take the spotlight. It’s beautiful to see people meet someone they feel a connection with and the more we do this, the more often our interested introductions lead to a new, but lasting node within the startup community. More memories are made, others strengthened.
Overtime is always nice, but remember we must also keep moving to share time with others, especially when we’re hosting the networking event. The art of stepping away in style is an added real skill. As we read about in You Don’t Need This Book, this is handy when one conversation starts to monopolize time. To stand out, bring more people into the circle. Introduce everyone using this same method and watch the value swell. You then have the option to stick around or excuse yourself. Even if you leave the chat, your energy will remain a part of that new conversation as you mingle elsewhere. Another approach is to joke that it’s time for everyone to go meet more new people. This lighthearted suggestion is rewarded as connectors become connected and more people are invited to build relationships without always needing you in the room.
As these unique interactions are personified by emotion, mutual memories lay a foundation for true connection. When true connections show up, follow up, and keep adding diversity through a positive-sum mindset, the expansive value of a community can be realized.